Facebook can be dreadful for a divorced dad… my “friends” constant updates and complaints about having to deal with multiple families and travel for Thanksgiving…what to do? I know that this “complaining” is really a form of being thankful. The activity, having something to do, is welcomed. Everything is relative, which can deceive us into thinking we have less than we really do.
Right now, my babies are sleeping. They spent the night with me on Thanksgiving Eve and I will deliver them back this afternoon of Thanksgiving. I struggled yesterday. Mostly subconsciously, but I struggled. I used to have different options – the two Thanksgivings for both families; the traveling; the sense of welcoming and belonging. Now I will spend most of the day alone. I’m not writing this to pile onto myself or to make anyone else feel sorry for me. I’m pointing out that our lives are truly what we make of it. So many actions led to my divorce and there is blame to be shared, but that doesn’t change the circumstances today. And I can honestly tell you that I never grasped that I had so much to be thankful for. I took it for granted.
So what do I have to be thankful for today…and can I really see today for what it is? First, I get to have a great first part of the day with my babies. I actually get to see them on this day, whereas I know that many fathers do not have the same option. I feel for everyone of you. We are a small society of men in which there seems to be a stigma attached…society’s sense that we deserve to not see our children equally. We are very misunderstood because so many of us still want to be full-time fathers.
In a couple of hours, I will climb into bed with them and wrestle them up, tickling them and singing them songs that will reaffirm exactly how much I love them. They expect me to do this. It is part of our ritual. I am thankful for that. We will be lazy together and jump around on the bed and I will try to be 100% in the moment so I can count everyone of them and not give any to sorrow of what this day no longer has. I will give every moment to them until I drop them off so they will have the memory of how much I love them deeply rooted in their subconscious.
Now the hard part: to be thankful for what I do have. I am healthy. I have opportunity. I have the ability to make my life as full and as happy as I would like it to be. This divorce has really opened my eyes to this “life is what you make it” thing. It is a cliche for a reason. And I have two – very cool – reasons for me to really be the most I can be in life. They are both sleeping in the next room. I am very thankful for them.
I tell myself that it is okay to acknowledge that things aren’t where I would like them to be. If I don’t do that, I’m lying to myself. But I’ll also use this matter-of-fact knowledge to also recognize that there is always something to be thankful for. They are stepping stones for this next year with the full expectation that it will be a much fulfilling and happier one.
Today, I will not allow myself to be sad when I say goodbye to my babies. I will wish them a good time with the other side of their family and I will mean it. Then I will get onto the business of my next steps of my own happiness.
Happy Thanksgiving.
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